My Secrets Revealed

Headbutt.

Let's get this one out of the way: no way.

After suffering through some serious writer's block (it was more like writer's "fat guy sitting on me". There was a fat guy sitting on me, and all I could think about was, "when the hell is this fat guy going to stop sitting on me?" Same thing with writing, I thought, "when is this fat guy going to stop sitting on me so I can write?"), I had a breakthrough (Nate Foster, always our hero).

I came up with a great idea last night. It was going to be my defining moment. My "Shot Heard 'Round The World." My "Gattaca". It was awesome, and I was so excited.

Then I went to sleep, woke up this morning, and forgot what it was.

But I came up with another idea. Apparently my readership has grown from a healthy 5 to a more robust and even sounding 8. But there are a lot of you out there in Readership Land that don't get my references. You don't get the insider stuff, and you wonder about Summer Sanders and Inside Stuff (the only reason I watch that show when it's on. There are a lot of shows like that. Lesson: a cute host brings in ratings). I get questions like, "what's the 'headbutt' about?" or, "who the hell are you?" and the like. So I was thinking, "gee golly Lassie, maybe after we save Timmy from that burning barn, I should explain some of these references to everyone."

Well you know what?

Not a chance.

There's no way in hell I'm explaining my stuff to you. That'd be like a magician telling his secrets, or finally seeing that cute blonde next door with the dimples start to undress as you stare at her through your window. Well, I've got one word for you.

Pervert.

If I explained my stuff to you, the magic would be gone. There would be no more mystique, no more intrigue. It'd actually be less funny for everyone. The people who don't get it would now get it, and wouldn't wonder, "why is this kid so weird? I must continue reading!" And the people that do get it wouldn't have anyone else to laugh at, saying, "those fools! How can they not get it? That kid is so weird, yet in a very likeable (lovable if you are a female) way. He deserves a high-five and some Twizzlers, but not the peel and eat kind because those are gross."

If you really must know my secrets, then you have no choice but to bribe me. I take cash, checks (with a valid ID), and most major credit cards. I also except food, women, and small, shiny trinkets that make me giggle.

K bye.

P.S. The interesting thing about that shiny photo: how in the world is her head upside down, yet her hair remains perfectly in place? I'll tell you how. Pantene Pro V. Amazing stuff.