Gold? You Just Got Demoted To Silver.

Headbuttest.

Let us partake in this before thy column beginnith: ouch.

Pray sit down, fellow chaps and ladies and those of an unspecified denomination. Let me tell ye of a wondrous tale whilst I pline on me lute; a tale of suspense, intrigue, heartbreak, and pain. Listen, as I spin ye the "Tale of Two Million Steps."

It beganst many a moon ago, in the not-so-far away land ye known as "Vienna". It is here that we meet our two heroes: Lord Jeremy the Gallivant, and Sir Richard the Jujubiant. Lord Jeremy and Sir Richard were preparing to set out on a quest of fantastic proportions. Their aim, pray tell? Travel to the far off land knowst only as "Landover", and find and conquer the conquerable: the Field of Fed-Ex.

Thine outlook of our heroes was delightful. Fully confident in thine abilities, our heroes embarked. After taming the beast beknownst only to thee who hast survived it's ferocity as "the Metro", Lord Jeremy and Sir Richard bravely disembarked in the strange and unbearable land of Landover.

After partaking in a vigil with the cosmos, our heroes set off in Landover, looking for the land of Fed-Ex to conquer with their weapons: a terrifying morning star for Lord Jeremy, and 17 stones plucked from thine ground for Lord Richard. The initial Viking assault was a horrific one (Landover Vikings are some of the worst, mind ye). Facing odds that might make a normal man babble, our heroes gallantly slayed Viking warrior after Viking warrior. Finally, only the Vikings known as Mike of Tice and Daunte of Culpepper remained in our heroes way. With a mighty blow, Lord Jeremy struck down Mike of Tice, sending thy villain to the ground. And with 8 well-aimed threws, Sir Richard prodded a stone into the eye of Daunte of Culpepper, felling him as well.

Success! Victory! Our heroes rejoiced, demanding the finest wines and wenches join in ye celebration. So the Viking cheerleaders did join in the regalia, and their was much celebration.

But alas, ladies and chaps and those of an unknownst denomination. Our heroes, Lord Jeremy the Ravishing and Sir Richard the Hurler had indeedest miscalculated. In thine haste to conquer the horrible Viking forces of Landover, thine travels has bequixted thee in thy wrong direction. Around our heroes must turn, a journey anew they must undertake.

Until nextest time, k byest.