The Reports of My Demise Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

Headbutt.

Let's get this out of the way: retirement doesn't appease the masses.

Thanks to the hundreds and thousands and millions of people who wrote, called, emailed, IMed, and smoke signaled me to show their appreciation for my work. After answering every call, writing back every letter that contained a self addressed stamped envelope, and sacrificing a squirrel, I feel that I owe it to those hundreds and thousands and millions of people to continue forth. To keep writing, keep publishing, keep providing content so those people can rest easy at night knowing I am doing my part to keep the world safe from boredom, malaise, and goats.

Gotta watch out for those goats, they're dangerous.

So now, onto bigger issues. Onto the dwarf in my TV.

Yes, the rumors are true, we do have a dwarf living in our television set spinning the color wheel (or "wheel of color", as that little Portuguese rascal likes to call it). First things first, he's not enslaved in any way. He's free to go whenever he wants to, provided he can get past the laser grid, the shark tank, and the guard puppy like everyone else (hey, if you can make it past a laser grid and a shark tank, you deserve a gimme with the guard puppy. Besides, it's soooo cute, just look at that little face.... Sorry.) Plus we feed him sometimes, and he has a roof over his head, and he gets free television whenever we turn it on. What more could you want?

Anyway, we're not getting rid of him. We're not "freeing" him. He likes it in the TV, that's what his Portuguese rantings said. At least, that's what I think he said, trying to figure out Portuguese is tough when you have no idea what the hell they're saying. That's why we just punt him back into the TV and make him work. It's easier that way on everybody. Trust me.

Is he overqualified for the job? Eh, maybe a little. But you have to start somewhere. Everybody does. Just because he's Royal Order of Gnome doesn't mean he's anything special over here. He should have to work his way to the top like all the other dwarves in this society. Did you see David the Gnome complain about not having his show renewed on Nickelodeon? No. Is that dwarf from the Lord of the Rings trilogy complaining that the movie is over? No. Am I erroneously lumping dwarves and gnomes together to make a point which doesn't exist? Yes. Do I care? Not one bit.

What's really important is that we have a dwarf spinning our wheel of color, he's alive, and we aren't letting him go. Does that make me cruel and cold? Possibly one of the two, but not both. What it really means is that the retirement is over, let my reign of dominance over both the literary world and all dwarves residing at 8010 recommence right....... now.

K bye.