Sweet Kelly Clarkson!

It's headbutt, it's headbutt, it's big, it's heavy, it's wood.
It's headbutt, it's headbutt, it's better than bad, it's good!

First thing's first: only the mexican satisfies the worm.

And let's get this out of the way: they had better be buying some really good crap with that money.

Let's say you had an exorbitant amount of money. I mean, a really huge assload of money that you just found, say in the amount of $54 million dollars. You didn't have to give it back, it was yours and you could spend it as you pleased. What could you possibly do with $54 million dollars? Well, my groupies, let me tell you.

You could buy 818,526,240 Chinese finger traps. This would be especially useful if you had 1,637,052,480 fingers for which to use them.

You could probably buy an island or two. I'm not about to tell you which island you should buy, because it's completely a personal preference, and I don't want to be one that infringes on that aspect of your life. But if I had my way, I'd go for Sri Lanka. It's close to Michael Caine's 1000 acre tea plantation.

You could pay my rent (assuming that my place has rent control. Ahhhh, rent control... how I miss you) for the next 27,000 months. Of course, this would mean that I'd have to live until I was 2,273, and no offense, something tells me I'll be long gone before then.

You could be the proud owner of 2,706,766 Chia pet turtles. Of course, you might have to settle for only 2,705,832 of them since your water bill would go through the roof.

You would also be able to purchase 9,818,181 non-returning boomerangs. Note that this is completely different than the returning boomerangs, of which you could own only 5,410,821. Hey, somebody has to pay for that extra distance.

Assuming that you lived for another 65 years and kept working up until the time of your death, you could be paid just under $.03 a second. Now, this isn't 3 cents a second to do work, this is just 3 cents a second to live. Every second that you were alive (excluding leap year days, because you live for free on those, you greedy bastard), you would be paid 3 cents. You could be clubbing a baby seal to death, and you would still be getting paid 3 cents a second.

Don't forget that you could be the proud owner of 16,927,899 copies of Tecmo Bowl. Assuming that you were able to find 16,927,898 other friends who had a working Nintendo and television, and then another 16,927,899 people who just had Nintendo controllers, you could have a pretty swell little Tecmo Bowl tournament going on. Just so long as I get Warren Moon, Drew Hill and the rest of the Houston Oilers. That run and shoot offense was absolutely sick.

And then there's the 600,200 remote control cars you could purchase. This one is a little bit pricey, but when you have $54 million, what's a little excess now and then?

Finally, you could take all that money and convert it into pennies, giving you 540,000,000 pennies. Then you could take those pennies and throw one at the head of every 12th person you came across. In the entire world. At the end of the day, you'd still have enough pennies left over to buy yourself a hotdog and a can of soda. Excellent!

So you see, there really are a lot of things you can do with a spare $54 million dollars lying around. Man, I really wish I had that much extra money so I could waste it....

K bye.